Meaning

You can say that love is not divine
You can say that life is not eternal
"All we have is now"
But I don't believe it

There's a God-shaped hole in all of us
And the restless soul is searching
There's a God-shaped hole in all  of us
And it's a void only He can fill

Does the world seem gray with empty longing?
Wearing every shade of cynical?
And do you ever feel that
There is something missing? 
-Plumb 

Recently heard this song and, like a lot of songs I hear, I related it to my life. I feel like everything I do daily is my journey to finding meaning in my life. And this gradual growing, and searching, occurs in every part of my life. In school I find it especially prominent, specifically in my theology class (theology is the study of God, and such). Just today I was challenging the professor, which is something I do in most of my classes because I love when professors profess their knowledge (something my dad would always do). In theology we were discussing the origins of the different sects of Christianity, i.e. Catholics, Presbyterians, Anabaptist. I discovered that they are all alike in their own ways, and the rituals either have different names or happen at different parts in our lives. 

For example, Catholics are baptized in infancy. Baptism for Catholics means absolving an infant of the original sin they were born with in order to begin life with a fresh start, and use that baptism as the start to a life of purity and goodness. Presbyterians do not believe in baptism, if I remember right, because they don't believe this is necessary, and that you are predestined to heaven or hell at birth and no matter what you do during your life you cannot change that. That is a Calvinist outlook (and the Presbyterians originated from the Calvinists). For Anabaptist and Jehovah Witnesses, baptism is something performed later in life, and is a ritual signifying that the person wants to incorporate a religious duty into their lives and by becoming baptized, they are making that decision. That relates to the Catholics sacrament of Confirmation. Later in life (teenager years), Catholics make the choice to incorporate a religious duty to the church and a life of faithfulness, and they confirm their seriousness to this by becoming "Confirmed". 

A few problems with the Catholic sacraments, in my point of view. For example, confirmation. I remember those confirmation classes that my parents forced me to go to, even though I was getting a very involved Catholic education. I was surrounded by public school kids that I have seen in church for years growing up. I literally felt like I was in a herd of sheep. Most of these kids were not making a conscious decision to "enter into a life of duty to incorporating scripture, faith by works, and a life with Jesus and God" - which is the basis for becoming confirmed into your church, receiving the gift of the Holy Spirit to accompany you on your journey. Most of these teenagers were either doing this because their Catholic parents told them to, or because it's just "what you do", and I felt like very few were actually all that interested in the real reason behind being confirmed. To be honest, at that age, I'm not sure I knew exactly what being confirmed meant and I wasn't sure if I was consciously making that decision or if it was being made for me, or that I was just moving from sacrament to sacrament because it's "what you do". 


I think a problem with Confirmation is that it is not necessarily a choice. If you want to be viewed in a good light in the Catholic church, you get confirmed whether you believe in any of it or not. Really? Like. Really. How is that meaningful in any way? How does that give your life meaning if you aren't making the decisions because YOU want to. Well, I say, I'm sick of doing what "is supposed to be done" and I'm moving into a new meaning in my life. I'm not quite sure where my beliefs will take me, but I do see myself moving away from the Catholic way of life, if I believe that the way the sacraments are forced upon those who just "do it because" isn't right. I'm searching for a real meaning in my life, and so far, I don't think I have been calling the shots. Maybe I was more in tune with my confirmation because I was constantly surrounded by a Catholic upbringing and education, so I knew what I was getting myself into, but I still don't think I was doing it at the right time in my life. I was not doing it because I was ready to seriously incorporate myself into the church, because we all know where that got me. I have not gone to church in three years. 


I get a lot of critics when I bring up such things as "meaning" when relating it to religion and the practice of faith. My mom and step dad believe they are very religious and faithful people, yet they do not have "faith with works", currently. Yes, they pray to God to help the people in their family and of other families, and so on, but they do not go to church, or do community service, or profess their faith in traditional "church-going" ways. This is not wrong. This is just how they see their meaning in life. Their meaning is that they believe faithfulness comes in many forms, and their form is okay by God. It is! It so is! For them. It works for them, and that's great. They may or may not be struggling to find meaning in their life because they believe they have found it. Who am I to say that they haven't? If they believe they have, then they have. 

That's not good enough for me. I want more. Who's to say I'm wrong in wanting more? I want to be religious. I've always been interested in religion. Last summer I took a class that compared Jesus and Muhammad (Christianity and Islam). I loved that class! I was so interested and focused. I studied the gospels very closely, and had a lot of discussion with my teacher and class. [That picture to the left are the four evangelists (gospel writers) in clockwise order, in their symbolic forms - Matthew, Mark, Luke and John - with the lamb (Jesus) in the middle]. I know that this whole religion thing is something I've been searching for to have in my life. Perhaps my friends, classmates, parents, whomever are not interested in having that in their life. That's their choice. My choice is that I want it. I've always wanted it. But, like how I always believe I was born in the wrong era, I think I might have been born into the wrong religion. Who can chastise me for that? Go ahead. I can take it. And I don't want this to be an attack on my parents. They did what they knew in their hearts was best for their children. And if they believed what they were doing was right, then it was! I'm not here to refute any of my upbringing, because in a way, it gave me a well-rounded outlook on life. I was able to grow up surrounded by faith and the Catholic teaching, but once I got to college and I started to break out of that bubble, I discovered more about what life (and other religions, rituals) has to offer. Some people may take their outside discovery and use it in different ways. But for me, I think I'm using it to grow in faith and find a deeper meaning, deeper than what I was brought up with, and I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing.


Trust me. There are sooo many things I absolutely love about Catholicism. But there are certain rituals that I do not like. And the things I do love about Catholicism, I find in other Christian religions. But those other Christian religions also have certain rituals that Catholicism does not, and I like them. So basically my situation is a little jumbled currently. I'm searching for what my religious, faithful meaning is in life. Because I want that meaning in my life, I love everything about God and Jesus, and everything that comes along with it. This makes me very different from my family and friends in some ways and it definitely can become difficult at times because perhaps they do not understand me. But I don't need this part of my life, this soul-searching or life-meaning-searching, to come between me and my friends and family. This is my journey and I will figure it out. I will get A LOT of critics along the way, with A LOT of great advice for me to take in. Oh jeez, I sooo feel like my dad right now. The way he was with politics I'll never forget it. He was very serious about his politics, about his right-wingedness, about his Republicanness, but he always listened to what his critics (Democrats that would talk to him, liberals, extremists, fascists) had to say. He was very open minded, and I think I get a lot of my open mindedness from his role modeling. 

So my song really inspires me. First of all I feel like I can relate to it because it says that I have a God-shaped hole that only He can fill. That reminds me of my search to find God, through religions and what not. And I do feel there is something missing in my life. If I didn't feel that way, I wouldn't be so adamant on finding something (meaning, etc.) I truly don't believe that "all we have is now", I really think I can have more, and one of the things I want more of is religion in my life. So I will continue with my journey, through the roller coaster of finding the deeper meaning in my life, and find my reason for being on this Earth, because I know we are not supposed to go day to day thinking what we are doing means nothing. It has to mean something.